संघर्ष
मुझे पक्का यकीन हो गया कि भगवान् मेरा हमेशा साथ देते हैं. साथ देने का तात्पर्य मेरा यह नहीं कि मैं जो करता हूँ उसमें सफल हो जाता हूँ, मेरा कहने का अर्थ यह है कि जब भी मैं खुद के लिए कुछ करता हूँ, मुझे उसमें सफलता नहीं मिलती, जब भी मैं दूसरों के लिए कुछ मांगता हूँ मेरी वो मांग झट पूरी हो जाती है, और जब भी मैं कोई गलत काम करता हूँ, उसका परिणाम मुझे तुंरत एक सजा के रूप में मिल जाता है| भगवान् आप बस ऐसे ही मेरा साथ देते रहना मुझे अपनी जिन्दगी में कुछ भी नहीं चाहिए, लेकिन जब भी कुछ माँगूँ आपसे औरों के लिए वो जरूर पूरा करना हमेशा की तरह.पिछले कुछ महीनों में मैंने सब कुछ खो दिया आज मेरे पास न तो पैसा है, न तो प्यार है, न तो गुरु है न ही संस्कार है. मेरे हाथ खाली हैं और मैं वो बदनसीब हूँ जिसकी आह पर भी लोगों को लगता है, शायद ये कोई नया नाटक होगा. मैं वो हूँ जिसके साथ चलने में लोगों को शर्म आये. मुझे नहीं मालूम लोग कितने अच्छे और कितने बुरे हैं. मुझे बस इतना पता है मैं खुद की नजरों में गिरा हूँ, और बस उठने की कोशिश कर रहा हूँ. जब उठ जाऊँ तो एक बार आपके पास आऊंगा, आप मुझे अपनाओगे? सच की जीत होती है ये भरोसा दिलाओगे ?
उपवास की ताकत
बहुत सालों पहले जब मैं एक छोटा सा बच्चा हुआ करता था, लोगों को और अपने घर के कुछ सदस्यों को पर्व त्योहारों पर उपवास करते देखता था तो मुझे समझ नहीं आता था कि आखिर ये ऐसा क्यूँ करते हैं? खुद के स्वास्थय के लिए, देश के भूखे लोगों को खाना मिल सके इसलिए या फिर इसलिए कि भगवान् खुश होकर मन की मुरादें पूरी करेंगे| इसका जवाब मुझे उस वक़्त नहीं मिला और न ही मैं इतनी सारी जटिलताएं समझने का सामर्थ्य ही रखता था मगर सबके साथ मैंने भी जन्माष्टमी के दिन उपवास रखना शुरू कर दिया था और वो दिन अब भी मेरे दिमाग में बिलकुल तरो ताजा हैं | दिन भर के उपवास से मन की शुद्धि होती थी और उसके बाद भगवान् की पूजा| दिल से कुछ माँगना चाहे खुद के लिए चाहे औरों के लिए, एक मौका होता था जब सारी चिंताएँ भूलकर दिल को टटोलते थे कि हम में क्या क्या बुराईयाँ हैं और हम उसे कैसे दूर कर सकते हैं| सच्चे दिल से की गयी प्रार्थना कभी न कभी जरूर पूरी होती है| आज जिन्दगी के इस देहलीज पर आकर जब उन दिनों की तरफ घूम कर एक निगाह डालता हूँ तो लगता है मुझे मेरा जवाब मिल गया. २२ अगस्त २००९,तीज का पर्व, विवाहित स्त्रियों के लिए बहुत ही पावन दिन होता है| इस दिन वो अपने पति की लम्बी उम्र के लिए उपवास रखती हैं और अन्न जल बिलकुल ग्रहण नहीं करतीं| मैं न तो औरत हूँ न ही शादीशुदा मगर बरसों बाद आज फिर से मैंने उपवास रखा और मैंने आज फिर से अपने दिल को टटोला मैंने| आज फिर मैंने भगवान् से सच्चे दिल से कुछ माँगा| शादी एक रिवाज है रिश्ते को समाज में एक नाम देने का, मगर दिल से जुड़े रिश्तों का कोई नाम नहीं होता उसे मैं भगवान् का नाम देता हूँ| मैंने आज अपने उसी दिल से किसी के लिए उपवास रखा जिस से मेरा रिश्ता भगवान् ने दिल का बनाकर भेजा है| भगवान् से उसकी लम्बी उम्र और जीवन में सफलता की प्रार्थना की. मुझे पूरा भरोसा है भगवान् मेरी प्रार्थना जरूर सुनेंगे. उपवास की ताकत का अंदाजा मुझे हो गया है और ये भी अनुभव हुआ कि वो हमेशा मेरे इर्द गिर्द ही कहीं है और मैं अकेला नहीं. आज नहीं तो कल मेरी आँखें भी दिल की इस बात का यकीन करेंगी.
Silent Tears
I want to say something, actually many things.. but i am told to keep my mouth shut.. and i am trying to do so.. its been a month and i have been doing this since then.. no complain to God, no complain at all, after all its me who is responsible for this. My chest is burning and i have been successful to keep the smokes inside, smokes want to come out.. i can feel the pressure on my chest wall and sometimes when it becomes unbearable, i rub it with my palms, a desperate yet failed attempt to minimize the effect of burning.. its making me restless all the time.. not a single minute passes when i don’t think of her.. She is in pain too.. I am responsible for all.. i wanted both of us to be happy, but do not know what happened, all of sudden everything vanished.. things that i had accumulated in the past 3 months with lots of patience and with my honest efforts, why people ignore all the good efforts and positive side for few mistakes? i made mistakes by thinking to keep her away from my problems not because i wanted to hide something, but just that i wanted not to disturb her anymore till she gets settled with her studies.. the dream that i had seen too.. I know she is feeling cheated and i know i did not cheat her.. I know i had kept all her plans ahead of my plans.. i am not good at multi tasking.. i had plans for myself and i had plan for ourselves too.. but her studies were the most important thing i had in my mind… I forgot i need to get settled too… and i have to rectify my previous mistakes too… i was doing that.. but ran out of time…
I have been asking from God since then, why are you making me cry? why are you giving her so much of pain.. God please make her understand the truth, at least she will live in peace, God I just want this from you… Give me all her pain. give me…I have still some strength left in me.. Please fill this emptiness with her pain, let her pain go.. let her succeed in life, grant her all the happiness.. God, please listen to my last desires… This is the last time I am asking something from you, don’t disappoint me.. I can bear the pain of being hated by someone I love the most in this world, but I can not see her in pain… God you know I am used to face problems in my life for whatever I do, good or bad… so why don’t you give me her pain too, I will feel lucky… I am not allowed to talk, so i am writing to you God.. please listen to my silence, feel it in my tears, i can control the heart, i can control the brain, i can suppress the smoke inside my chest… but have no control on my tears, feel it God please… by any chance if there is any happiness written in my fate, please swap it with her pain.. give all my happiness to her.. God.. I will always be grateful
God you have still kept me alive, do not know why? and also that hope is alive, let me speak… can you hear me.. i want to say many things.. she said you will never forgive me. God tell her, I am always there to fulfill all her desires, I am and i will keep punishing myself in all the possible manners, what if she is not with me, what if i cant see her, what if i cant do anything to make her happy, i can still do what she wish for.. I will punish myself until i am assured i am punished enough.. It gives me pleasure, pleasure of still doing something what she had told you to do.. I feel she is watching me and it might reduce her pain too. I have many things to say.. but i don’t have to say.. i am not allowed … I am laughing, but tears are in my eyes, i am unable to withstand this pain… God, you still there in my heart, you are burning too inside, I know you too want to leave me like her, but you are still there, there must be some reason, or it is my love, someone said love is God.. she is always there in my heart.. is she getting hurt too.. my love for her will never go, my desire for a glimpse of her will never die.. my eagerness to hear the voice of her will never be lost… my eyes will keep searching for a face among thousand of people moving around..
I cant see anything, I cant think anything, I cant feel anything .. I have lost all my senses, have lost my words, I am unfazed by the things happening around me.. World is moving ahead, i am standstill, waiting for her, i am living with silent tears.. perhaps awaiting a long due explosion.. if it does not happen, please come and finish me… forever…
Being Lonely
I am feeling lonely, So lonely, that my chest literally hurts. Sadness causes chest pain as well. It starts with a feeling of emptiness, disappointment.., and it is as consuming as a black hole. I am alone and I hurt.
I go out, see my friends, we laugh and we talk, getting louder and louder, a laughter like a cry. But the moment I say goodbye the feeling is back. I return back home, play some music, read some books, talk to God. This heart of mine which is designed to contain her, is filled with its own misery. Is that how sorrow feels?
How easily we gave our heart away, we don’t even realize! but once we’ve given it how can we take it back? When you love, can you make your heart not to love. Night comes with dreams, dreams of my past, dreams that take me to times when life was heaven, dreams take me to the world, i had dreamt of with open eyes.. It looks so realistic that after getting up in the morning it takes me a while to understand where i am now ….. morning comes so often, every day, i am getting scared of it…
When you are alone, you get a chance to question yourself, and fight with your inner self. I have been doing this, I have been telling myself for a while now that I am not perfect, i am prone to commit mistakes, but I am not convinced. Why should I commit a mistake when i know i have a brain to differentiate between good and bad things… I got the answer, The things you do, can be good from someone’s perspective and bad from others at the same time. Its actually you who decide if it is bad or good and to know this, you need to listen to your inner self, you will get the answer. There are only two things that might happen: Either you listen to people and do things according to them, or do things what your inner self says and be ready to listen to people not convinced with your act, but that does not mean you are wrong, because they are not seeing what you are seeing, and that something is your intention. We tend to think we should not do something because others may not feel good about it and thats where we take wrong decisions… that’s where insecurity arises, you stop being yourself and people start leaving you because you become unpredictable… and then loneliness and emptiness knock your door…
But again, I know nobody is alone in this world,everybody is interconnected. when i look at others, i am actually looking at myself. just like the dream world, there is no reality to this world. we can only experience the world,created by our minds.
Sacrifice
Its been more than a month…. I have been thinking and trying to understand few things that i never tried to or you may say never got enough time required for such things. And since I am jobless nowadays and have virtually nothing to do, I am trying to understand where i stand in my life, not in terms of money or any concrete things, but as a person, as a God’s creature. Am i solving the purpose of living on this earth, Am i the same, what God must have thought while planting the seed of life in my body.
I know, my friends, my family and everyone who cares for me, must be thinking I am just wasting my time doing all this, but to be very frank, i am unable to lead a normal life for the time being and my inner self is restless. When you stop listening to your inner self , its easy to hurt people and go ahead, when you meet with accident, chances are you will be fit again to lead a normal life after few days or few months… but when your inner self is wounded, you can not do anything.. really can not.. I have been thinking and thinking… have understood few things, this life is an ocean of knowledge, the deeper you go, the more valuable things you find.
I have understood, following good things are not easy things to do. I can see why people and why this whole world is going towards wrong direction. First of all finding the right path is very difficult and somehow if you are able to do that, sticking to that is even more difficult.. You should be ready to face people’s hatred, rejections, comments and worst ready to loose people you love the most. Then why would someone take this path? Just because you love people and God.
You may do something with a good intention, without telling the intention to others, but you never know when and how it may turn out to be a reason to make people think you had been trying to play with their trust and emotions, they will leave you, they will say all the possible bad things, and you will be left behind, alone, thinking what was your fault, you just wanted to make them happy.. It happens quite often, being good is not an easy task as i said.. and also you need to have extra strong heart to face the criticism, the bad words come from your dear ones. You need to have faith in what you do.
I have been fighting with my inner self and trying to keep people happy in whatever manner i could, hiding my pain, my problems, and my desires, trying to follow what had promised myself few months ago, well i am not a perfect man, i would never be.. but i never gave up.. just a thought of getting there gives you so much of satisfaction.. i failed many times… yes many times.. but i was still able to overcome so many of my weaknesses or problems that i had found in me… still few things needed more time to go.. just few things had left, that i had to leave and i was fighting hard, was unable to sleep… had to overcome very soon.. had very less time.. and before i could do it, everything was over.. But I did not give up… I need to know the limits of the fighter inside me. Till it is alive, i will never give up.. I will and I have to end what i had started, never mind if people are not around to see, to ask me, to correct me or to tell me that i am getting better day by day, if i am true to myself, i will never be doing anything wrong.. it does not mean i will never hurt anyone, but hurting people does not always mean you wanted to hurt them or you were doing something wrong, its just that they are not able to see whats there in your heart and not seeing how badly you are trying…
This is the time when i needed people, my dearest ones, to be around, giving me some sort of support and say hey don’t worry, keep trying, does not matter if you are failing over and over again… this is what i needed, but it did not and it does not happen. People will leave you… they always leave you at wrong time, just before you are able to achieve something that they were waiting for, and all of sudden you will feel the void.. and you may feel whats the need to do it anymore, who is there to see and feel happy about it.. but… everyone has to go, today or tomorrow, you still need to continue the battle of overcoming weaknesses and the bad things in you.. of course at the cost of all the good things in life… your friends, your love, you may cry, you may be ruined, but who said the path of truth and God is easy.. you have to scarify everything you love… One day you will win, and no one will be there around to cheer you, to celebrate the win of truth and good things over the lies and bad things….
Your feelings and emotions are equally dear to you. At times you must give up doing things you find you are not doing for the sake of happiness of others, even if you like them and find them attractive and useful; at other times, you must involve yourself in things you do not like doing, which are against your temperament, only because they please others.
At times you should suppress your urge to speak, and fall silent, even if that urge is compulsive; at times you may have to overcome your desire to remain silent, and speak up. You may feel anger rising up in you, an urge to revenge, to speak evil – yet you must hold your tongue.
At times you may prefer solitude and quiet, yet you may have to plunge into intense social activities and contacts; at others, you may very much want to mix socially, but you may have to withdraw into solitude.
You may aspire to be ’something’ or ’somebody’; those aspirations may have to be totally abandoned. Your ambitions, your plans, may need to be scrapped.
“We can give up something we love only for something we love more”
We can not give up something that you love the most… never.. its not in your hand, it is sacrifice…
Sacrifice for other’s happiness..
