I open my eyes

I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light

I can’t remember how

I can’t remember why

I’m lying here tonight

I pulled off my shirt and kicked off my shoes not caring where they landed, after all there was no one here who cared what the room looked like. I collapsed onto the mattress and closed my eyes trying to succumb to sleep. But what invaded my mind wasn’t dreams, it was visions on her, flashbacks of us and times when we used to be happy. Even though they’re just visions in my head, the sight of her makes my heart throb and ache with extreme pain. Pain that I mistook for anger and fury for so long. I found out all too soon that I wasn’t capable of hating you. It isn’t possible. To hate the girl that I had sworn to support and to love more deeply than anyone else, wasn’t possible. The throbbing in my chest, the pain in my heart wasn’t hate, it was the feeling of loss and hopelessness. Sadness and despair is my life when you’re not in it S…,,,.

I know that if I were to open my eyes the pictures of you would go away but the pain won’t. the pain never goes away; it never even fades. All it does it gets worse when I’m alone, and even more-so when I try to sleep. Sleeping is the worst. When I sleep is when you come to me, and make me feel so hallow and hopeless. Why do you make it hurt so much? Why do you want me to be miserable? Why do you torture me so, when all I’ve ever done is, stay by your side and love you? Why? S…,,,, all I want is for you to come back to me so this pain will disappear.

And I can’t stand the pain

And I can’t make it go away

No I can’t stand the pain

I open my eyes and stare out at the blackness that was my room. Maybe it’s really all my fault that you left? Is that it, did you leave because of me? Maybe I didn’t love you enough. Did I make another huge mistake to push you away and make you leave me? I know I’ve made so many mistakes. I should have comforted you more, I should have… I don’t know what I should have done. What did you want me to do S…,,,? What do you want of me now?

How could you run away when you were the one who held my head above the water. You’re the one who kept me from giving up. You were my life and my light. My purpose. Now that you’ve run away I have no purpose, no reason to live. I love you so much S…,,,, and I want nothing more than to have another chance to get your confidence back in me, come back, I accept my mistakes,but i really did mean to hurt you, i did not tell you any problem because i wanted you to be happy.

I sat up on the mattress and sighed. It was a hopeless act to try and sleep. I haven’t had a good night’s worth of sleep since you left. I stood up and walked over to a window. I pushed one of the planks of wood out of the way and stared out at the night sky. Are you sleeping well S…,,,? I hope you are. I hope you’re having the best of dreams.

S…,,, you’re trying to tell me something in my dreams aren’t you? What is it? I’m trying to listen but the throbbing of my heart drowns out your words. Wait if you’re the one who’s running why do you appear in my dreams? Maybe… maybe we’re both running. Or maybe I’m the only one who’s running. Even though I’m not the one moving. I’m not the one who’s physically moving away. Is my just sitting sit and not moving a form of running? But it doesn’t make sense! I just wanted you and I to have some kind of stability in our lives for once. That’s all I wanted. To just settle down and love you. Living out my life here with you would have made me the happiest person in all on this earth. It would have been so contented life.

And so if my mistakes were the reason that you left, I should have gone with you too. I mean didn’t I make a promise that I would rectify my mistakes and become a better person and be there with you and be by your side at all times? What kind of person am I? My mistakes make me want to scream at how stupid I am. How could I let this happen? How could this happen to us? I thought we were so happy.

How could this happen to me

I’ve made my mistakes

I’ve got no where to run

The night goes on

As I’m fading away

I’m sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

I sigh again and slid down the wall. I’m screaming S…,,, can’t you hear me? I screaming for you to come back to me so that we can be happy.

If you don’t came back, I don’t know what will become of me. I’ll probably just stay in this room, being haunted by memories of us and I. I’ll just keep sliding deeper and deeper until I’m swallowed by my nothingness. But there’s something that is hanging onto me, keeping me from fading. I think that something is you S…,,,. It’s as if one of your threads is holding on to me. Refusing to let me fall into oblivion, and I don’t know if I want to cling to that thread or sever it and fall into darkness. Give me back your light that made my life so happy. Or is it something that is buried deep in your unconsciousness? Do you not know that you’re trying to save me? Or maybe it’s a little of both.

Please come back to me S…,,,. Change my life again. I promise if you came back to me I’ll try harder, whatever you want me to do I’ll try to do it better. I’ll make you so happy I promise! I wish we could start over
Everybody’s screaming

I try to make a sound

but no one hears me

I’m slipping off the edge

I’m hanging by a thread

I wanna start this over again

I couldn’t stop anything that happened to you back then, but I’ve honestly given myself to making your life perfect, but again, I couldn’t save you from the pain and the tears that you shed. I couldn’t protect you from the pain and sadness that you felt. I want to change our past completely but I can’t. I can’t erase all the things that I did or didn’t do.

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered

And I can’t explain what happened

And I can’t erasethe things that I’ve done

No I can’t

How could this happen to me

I’ve made my mistakes

I’ve got no where to run

The night goes on

As I’m fading away

I’m sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

I went back over to my mattress and plop down on the soft surface. I hold your photo to my chest and tears prick at my eyes. I want to hold you S…,,,. Not some flimsy paper copy of you. Nothing on this earth can replace the warmth of you, and the feeling that holding you gives me. Nothing will bring that back to me though. I close my eyes trying to stop the tears but it’s no use. They come and so do my soft sobs. My S…,,,, I miss you terribly.

The night is going on but I’m just laying here fading away. I need to get some kind of sleep. I let out another sob then curl up tighter against the cold dark night.

I’ve made my mistakes

I’ve got no where to run

The night goes on

As I’m fading away

I’m sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

S…,,,, you will always be my one true master. And my one true love.

I am feeling lonely, So lonely, that my chest literally hurts. Sadness causes chest pain as well. It starts with a feeling of emptiness, disappointment.., and it is as consuming as a black hole. I am alone and I hurt.

I go out, see my friends, we laugh and we talk, getting louder and louder, a laughter like a cry. But the moment I say goodbye the feeling is back. I return back home, play some music, read some books, talk to God. This heart of mine which is designed to contain her, is filled with its own misery. Is that how sorrow feels?

How easily we gave our heart away, we don’t even realize! but once we’ve given it how can we take it back? When you love, can you make your heart not to love. Night comes with dreams, dreams of my past, dreams that take me to times when life was heaven, dreams take me to the world, i had dreamt of with open eyes.. It looks so realistic that after getting up in the morning it takes me a while to understand where i am now ….. morning comes so often, every day, i am getting scared of it…

When you are alone, you get a chance to question yourself, and fight with your inner self. I have been doing this, I have been telling myself for a while now that I am not perfect, i am prone to commit mistakes, but I am not convinced. Why should I commit a mistake when i know i have a brain to differentiate between good and bad things… I got the answer, The things you do, can be good from someone’s perspective and bad from others at the same time. Its actually you who decide if it is bad or good and to know this, you need to listen to your inner self, you will get the answer. There are only two things that might happen: Either you listen to people and do things according to them, or do things what your inner self says and be ready to listen to people not convinced with your act, but that does not mean you are wrong, because they are not seeing what you are seeing, and that something is your intention. We tend to think we should not do something because others may not feel good about it and thats where we take wrong decisions… that’s where insecurity arises, you stop being yourself and people start leaving you because you become unpredictable… and then loneliness and emptiness knock your door…

But again, I know nobody is alone in this world,everybody is interconnected. when i look at others, i am actually looking at myself. just like the dream world, there is no reality to this world. we can only experience the world,created by our minds.

I decided to pen down something after a long long time.

Since one week, I have resumed going for my evening walks…., took a lot of time to resume what I used to love and enjoy doing so, since ages. Not that I am lazy as I used to go to gym till i met with an accident last year, but yes, walks are must too. And on top of it i dont have any other things to do in the evening at the moment.

While walking, I see lot of people from different age groups walking by…….some with energy, some slow, some perpetually on the cell phone, some old ladies sitting in a circle excercising and singing bhajans in the temple, some moms playing with their kids.

I have always enjoyed my walks alone more……..just going with the flow – thoughts coming and going and not ponder over them for long………and the next moment am thinking something else or observe people around, capture their different moods, expressions, postures, walks, etc.

I see grandparents holding hands of their grand children, carrying their balls,Some mothers strolling their young ones in prams, talking to them as if they understand all.

I see a smart looking women walking at her pace and then sitting next to a older women, talking to her. And then holding her hand and taking her along with her, listening to what the old lady has to share.

I see a middle aged couple – this man is really tall, thin and stands out of the crowd….but he is always holding his wife’s hand, who is really short, plumpish and cute too. They are strolling at leisure, engrossed in their talks, oblivious of the passersby.

I see two old men entering the park, holding hands and walking by. I was right behind them so noticed one holding just the single finger of the other, as if a child is being led to walk on.

Be it grandparents and the child, who has just began its life’s journey with the one nearing the end; the constant assurance of the mother to her child in the pram; the women leading the old lady to her destination; the husband spending some quality time with his wife with the same touch as if newly married; the old man holding the finger of the other.