Silent Tears

I want to say something, actually many things.. but i am told to keep my mouth shut.. and i am trying to do so.. its been a month and i have been doing this since then.. no complain to God, no complain at all, after all its me who is responsible for this. My chest is burning and i have been successful to keep the smokes inside, smokes want to come out.. i can feel the pressure on my chest wall and sometimes when it becomes unbearable, i rub it with my palms, a desperate yet failed attempt to minimize the effect of burning.. its making me restless all the time.. not a single minute passes when i don’t think of her.. She is in pain too.. I am responsible for all.. i wanted both of us to be happy, but do not know what happened, all of sudden everything vanished.. things that i had accumulated in the past 3 months with lots of patience and with my honest efforts, why people ignore all the good efforts and positive side for few mistakes? i made mistakes by thinking to keep her away from my problems not because i wanted to hide something, but just that i wanted not to disturb her anymore till she gets settled with her studies.. the dream that i had seen too.. I know she is feeling cheated and i know i did not cheat her.. I know i had kept all her plans ahead of my plans.. i am not good at multi tasking.. i had plans for myself and i had plan for ourselves too.. but her studies were the most important thing i had in my mind… I forgot i need to get settled too… and i have to rectify my previous mistakes too… i was doing that.. but ran out of time…

I have been asking from God since then, why are you making me cry? why are you giving her so much of pain.. God please make her understand the truth, at least she will live in peace, God I just want this from you… Give me all her pain. give me…I have still some strength left in me..  Please fill this emptiness with her pain, let her pain go.. let her succeed in life, grant her all the happiness.. God, please listen to my last desires… This is the last time I am asking something from you, don’t disappoint me.. I can bear the pain of being hated by someone I love the most in this world, but I can not see her in pain… God you know I am used to face problems in my life for whatever I do, good or bad… so why don’t you give me her pain too,  I will feel lucky… I am not allowed to talk, so i am writing to you God.. please listen to my silence, feel it in my tears, i can control the heart, i can control the brain, i can suppress the smoke inside my chest… but have no control on my tears, feel it God please… by any chance if there is any happiness written in my fate, please swap it with her pain.. give all my happiness to her.. God.. I will always be grateful

God you have still kept me alive, do not know why? and also that hope is alive, let me speak… can you hear me.. i want to say many things.. she said you will never forgive me. God tell her, I am always there to fulfill all her desires, I am and i will keep punishing myself in all the possible manners,  what if she is not with me, what if i cant see her, what if i cant do anything to make her happy, i can still do what she wish for.. I will punish myself until i am assured i am punished enough..  It gives me pleasure, pleasure of still doing something what she had told you to do.. I feel she is watching me and it might reduce her pain too.  I have many things to say.. but i don’t have to say.. i am not allowed … I am laughing, but tears are in my eyes, i am unable to withstand this pain… God, you still there in my heart, you are burning too inside, I know you too want to leave me like her, but you are still there, there must be some reason, or it is my love, someone said love is God.. she is always there in my heart.. is she getting hurt too.. my love for her will  never go, my desire for a glimpse of her will never die.. my eagerness to hear the voice of her will never be lost…  my eyes will keep searching for a face among thousand of people moving around..

I cant see anything, I cant think anything, I cant feel anything .. I have lost all my senses, have lost my words, I am unfazed by the things happening around me.. World is moving ahead, i am standstill, waiting for her,  i am living with silent tears.. perhaps awaiting a long due explosion.. if it does not happen, please come and finish me… forever…